The Importance of Being Earnest
(Oscar Wilde)

Act I

The scene opens on Algernon Moncrieff’s flat in Half-Moon Street. In the luxurious morning room, Lane, Algernon’s manservant, is setting the tea. In the background, there is a piano playing. The piano stops, and Algernon walks into the room. He asks Lane about his playing, and Lane, in an attempt to prevent offense, says that it isn’t polite to listen to other people playing. Algernon admits that his playing isn’t good, but defends himself by saying that he plays with true emotion.

Algernon then asks Lane if the cucumber sandwiches for Lady Bracknell and Gwendolyn are ready. The Lady Bracknell is Algernon’s aunt, and Gwendolyn his cousin. The two women are coming over to his flat for tea-time today, and he wants everything ready.

When the cucumber sandwiches are placed on the table, Algernon promptly begins eating them. He converses with Lane about the fact that every time he invites bachelors over, they drink all his champagne. Lane thinks it is because married hosts never keep good champagne in the house, and Algernon shudders at the thought of marriage.

Lane thinks marriage isn’t so miserable and admits having married once on a misunderstanding before leaving the room to get more tea. Algernon talks to himself about the importance of the lower classes to provide a convincing example for the rest, and how Lane fails in this regard. He thinks the lower class as a whole has no sense of moral responsibility.

When Lane comes back, he introduces a guest, Ernest Worthing, otherwise known as Jack. Algernon asks if he is in town for business or pleasure, and Jack says pleasure. The two of them immediately begin a bantering conversation, and Algernon asks why he hasn’t seen Jack in a while.

Jack has been in the countryside, and professes it was boring. The only people around were his neighbors, and he thinks they are horrid people. Jack wonders why Algernon is serving cucumber sandwiches, and Algernon admits that his aunt, Lady Bracknell, and Gwendolyn are coming over for tea.

Algernon says his aunt won’t be happy to see Jack back, as she disapproves of his incessant flirting with Gwendolyn. There is more banter, and Algernon says the only thing worse than Jack flirting with Gwendolyn, is how Gwendolyn constantly flirts back.

Jack admits that he is madly in love with Gwendolyn and that he came back in town for the sole purpose of proposing to her.

Algernon gives his witty reply, which is he thought Jack came to town for pleasure and not business. Jack doesn’t understand why proposing to the one he loves can’t be pleasurable. Algernon admits that it is romantic to be in love and to flirt with women, but he believes it is unromantic to propose. After the proposal, all the excitement is over because then the two have a business arrangement.

During this conversation, Jack reaches over to take a cucumber sandwich, and Jack slaps his hand away, saying they are for his aunt and Gwendolyn. Algernon has been eating the sandwiches throughout the whole scene, so this is done purely to annoy Jack. Algernon takes some bread and butter out from under the table, saying Jack can help himself to the platter, as he ordered it for Gwendolyn.

Jack eats the bread and butter so enthusiastically; Algernon accuses him of acting as if he and Gwendolyn are already engaged. He then goes on to say that Jack and Gwendolyn most likely will not be married, because they would need Algernon’s approval, and Algernon doesn’t want to give his consent. Jack is confused, until it is revealed that Gwendolyn is Algernon’s first cousin.

When Jack asks why Algernon should not give his consent, Algernon asks him who Cecily is. Jack says the name doesn’t sound familiar, and Algernon rings the bell for Lane and asks him to bring Jack’s cigarette case. When Algernon has the case, he opens it and begins to read the inscription on the inside, which reveals the case is a present from “little Cecily” with “fondest love”.

Jack accuses Algernon of being ungentlemanly, but Algernon insists he must know who Cecily is. Jack tells Algernon that Cecily is his aunt and follows Algernon around the room trying to get the cigarette case back.

Algernon questions Jack’s story, asking why, in the inscription, Cecily calls Jack “Uncle Jack”. If Jack is Cecily’s nephew, why would she call Jack uncle? In addition, Algernon points out that Jack’s name is actually Ernest.

Jack protests insisting that his name is Jack. Algernon argues, saying his name is Ernest, and it fits because Jack is the most earnest person Algernon knows. He takes one of Jack’s business cards with the name Ernest Worthing on it, keeping it as proof. Jack says in town he is known as Ernest but in the country he is known as Jack, and that he got the cigarette case in the country.

Jack agrees to tell Algernon the story of Cecily, if he gives the case back. Algernon does so, and they sit down on the couches.

Thomas Cardew, the man who adopted Jack as a child, made him guardian of his grand-daughter, Cecily Cardew, after his death. Cecily calls Jack uncle out of respect and lives at Jack’s estate in the country under the tutor of Miss Prim, her governess.

Algernon says that still doesn’t explain why Jack has two different names. Jack admits he invented a younger brother Ernest who lived in the city, and Algernon accuses Jack of being an advanced Bunburyist. Jack demands to know the meaning of that statement. Algernon has invented an alter-ego as well, named Bunbury, whose constant sickness allows him to skip unpleasant engagements.

While they are on the subject of unpleasant engagements, Algernon asks Jack if he can join him for dinner instead of dining with his Aunt Augusta. Jack thinks he better dine with his family, but Algernon insists that his Aunt always sits him next to married women who flirt with their husbands. He believes that is inappropriate behavior, and would rather dine with Jack where he can have some pleasant company.

Algernon also says that he better explain the rules of Bunburying to Jack, but Jack insists he is going to kill Ernest. If he marries Gwendolyn, he will have no need for Ernest. Algernon disagrees, saying that if Jack marries he will have even more need of Ernest than before. Jack tells Algernon not to be so cynical.

The bell rings, and Algernon says his Aunt Augusta and Gwendolyn must be here. Algernon agrees to distract his aunt, so Jack has a chance to propose to Gwendolyn, if Jack invites him to dinner. Jack thanks Algernon and Lane enters the room, announcing Lady Bracknell and Mrs. Fairfax.

Lady Bracknell greets Algernon with a smile and gives Jack a cold bow. Jack pays his compliments to Gwendolyn, and the two sit down together in the corner of the room.

Aunt Augusta apologizes to Algernon for being late, saying that she had to pay a visit to her friend Lady Harbury, whose husband just passed away. She professes she has never seen a woman so transformed, and that Lady Harbury already looks twenty years younger. Algernon agrees as he has heard her transformation has been quite profound.

Aunt Augusta asks Algernon for some cucumber sandwiches, and Algernon goes over to the plate, expressing shock that it is empty. He asks Lane why there are no cucumber sandwiches, and Lane covers Algernon’s tracks by saying there were no cucumbers at the market. Algernon apologizes to his aunt, who asks Gwendolyn to come sit next to her. Gwendolyn tells Aunt Augusta that she is acceptable where she is, and Algernon and his aunt resume conversing.

Aunt Augusta says that she is looking forward to dinner, and Algernon tells her his dear friend Bunbury is ill again and that he won’t be able to make the engagement. Aunt Augusta remarks that Bunbury has curiously poor health and says it is unhealthy for Algernon to constantly be around someone so sick. Young people should concern themselves with health and not sickness. She still wants to make sure Algernon will come to her party on Saturday, and Algernon agrees that he will. In order to distract her, Algernon asks her to listen to a piece of music he’s come up with and leads her to the music room, leaving Gwendolyn and Jack alone.

Jack tries to engage in small talk, but Gwendolyn wishes he wouldn’t, saying it always feels like small talk actually means something else. Jack tells her that this time she is right, and expresses his admiration for Gwendolyn, who responds in kind. Jack is surprised and delighted, and Gwendolyn goes on to say that she always believed it was her destiny to marry a man named Ernest because it is the perfect name.

Jack asks her if she would still love him if his name was something else, perhaps Jack. Gwendolyn says she could never love a man named Jack, as all the Jacks she knows are horrid and dull. Jack realizes he must change his name immediately, so the two can get married.

Gwendolyn tells Jack that if he is going to propose, that she will accept his offer. He gets down on one knee and begins making his proposal. She makes fun of him, saying that he hasn’t had much practice proposing to women. Jack says that is because Gwendolyn is the only woman he’s ever loved.

At this point, Lady Bracknell enters the room, and commands Jack to get up. Gwendolyn retorts to her mother that Jack isn't finished and that they are engaged. Lady Bracknell is angry and tells Gwendolyn to go wait in the car. She tells her daughter sternly that any marriage she enters into will be arranged by her parents and that she cannot choose who she marries. On her way out, Jack and Gwendolyn blow kisses to each other behind Lady Bracknell's back. Gwendolyn finally leaves, and Lady Bracknell turns to Jack.

She requests him to sit, because she has a few questions she needs to ask him. Jack says that he prefers to stand, and Lady Bracknell says it is all the same to her before pulling out a pen and paper.

She has a list of appropriate suitors for Gwendolyn, which Jack is not on. If he answers her questions to her satisfaction, then he might be able to get on that list.

Lady Bracknell asks Jack if he smokes. Jack says yes, and Lady Bracknell approves, saying all men should have a past-time. She asks how old he is, to which Jack replies twenty-nine. Lady Bracknell believes that a good age to be married. She asks Jack if he believes he knows everything or nothing, and Jack says he knows nothing. Jack makes seven or eight thousand a year in investments, which Lady Bracknell approves of. She also seems happy that he has a country estate. She tells Jack, however, that Gwendolyn cannot only reside in the country, and asks if he has a town house. Jack does, but it is lent to an elderly Lady in an "unfashionable" part of town.

Lady Bracknell moves on to what she calls "minor matters", and asks about his politics and parents. Jack doesn't concern himself much with politics and doesn't have either of his parents. Lady Bracknell seems interested in this and wants to know what happened for him to lose two parents. She says that to lose one parent is a misfortune, but to lose two seems like carelessness.

Jack admits to Lady Bracknell that his parents didn't die, that, in fact, he doesn't know who his parents are. Lady Bracknell is astounded, and demands to know details. Jack tells her that he was found as a baby by Thomas Cardew. She asks where, and he reveals that Mr. Cardew found him in a handbag at the train station cloak room.

Lady Bracknell tells Jack that he can never attain a respectable position in society having been found in a cloak room and raised by a man in the country. Jack is at a lost, and asks Lady Bracknell what he must do so that he can marry Gwendolyn. Lady Bracknell says in order to become respectable, he must procure relations as soon as possible, and ideally have parents with strong lineages by the end of the season.

Jack tells Lady Bracknell that what she asks of him is impossible. He tells her that he can procure the handbag he was found in, and she is offended. Jack doesn't understand why it matters if he was found in a handbag, and Lady Bracknell responds that Gwendolyn is her only daughter, raised with utmost care and that she will not allow her to wed anyone with a questionable background. She gets up and leaves the room in a huff.

When she is gone, Algernon begins playing the wedding march from the other room. Jack is angry and tells him to stop. Algernon is in high spirits because he assumes that Gwendolyn refused Jack, but Jack tells him that it was her mother who refused him. Jack calls Lady Bracknell a monster, and Algernon is delighted to hear his relations abused. Jack once again reprimands him for being overly cynical, and wonders if Gwendolyn will end up like her mother when she is old.

Algernon cleverly responds that all women end up like their mothers, and all men don't, and it is tragedy on both accounts. Jack says he is tired of cleverness and wishes the world were full of fools. Algernon says the world is full of fools, and that the fools talk of the clever people. Algernon deftly changes the subject back to Jack's dilemma, and asks if he revealed to Gwendolyn the truth about his name. Jack says he hadn't, but he still plans on killing Ernest off. Cecily will be upset, but she will be fine.

Algernon expresses interest in meeting Cecily, and Jack forbids it, the reason being Cecily is pretty and only eighteen. Algernon asks if Gwendolyn will approve of him having a beautiful eighteen year old ward, and Jack declares that the two of them will be sisters.

It is almost seven, and if they want a reservation for dinner, they'll have to get ready. After dinner Algernon wants to go to the theatre or the club, but Jack says he would rather do nothing. He is obviously upset about Gwendolyn's mother still.

Lane enters the room and introduces Miss Fairfax. Gwendolyn comes in and tells Algernon to turn around because she wishes to talk to Ernest. Algernon protests, but after some banter sits turned around and pretends to read a magazine.

Jack is surprised to see Gwendolyn but happy. Gwendolyn reveals that she fears the two will never be married. However, she has heard about Jack's story from her mother, and it has inspired her eternal devotion to Jack. She says he fascinates her, and that even if she marries someone else she will always be his. Gwendolyn has his town address, but also wants to know his address in the country. Jack gladly gives it. We see Algernon, who is listening closely to their conversation, write the address on the inside of his shirtsleeve before pretending to read again.

Gwendolyn promises to send Jack letters every day and wants to know how much longer he will be in town. Jack tells her he will be in town until Monday. Their conversation being over, Gwendolyn tells Algernon he can turn around now, and Algernon replies he already has. Jack offers to walk Gwendolyn back to her carriage, and the two exit.

Lane enters the room with several letters on a silver tray. Algernon examines them before tearing them up and declaring to Lane that he will be bun-burying this weekend. He asks Lane to get him some sherry, and to pack his bunbury clothes. Lane asks when Algernon is planning on returning to town, and Algernon says he will come back Monday (the same day Jack is leaving town). He hopes the weather to be fine, to which Lane replies it never is. Algernon compliments Lane on being a perfect pessimist and Lane sarcastically replies that his only wish is to please.

Jack comes back, his mood improved, to find Algernon laughing. When Jack asks what he is laughing about, Algernon tells him he is anxious for Bunbury's health. Jack recommends that Algernon get rid of Bunbury for good before he gets into trouble. Algernon, however, enjoys trouble. Jack accuses Algernon of being filled with nonsense and leaves. Algernon sits down, lights a cigarette, looks at the address written on his cuff sleeve, and smiles.

Act II

The scene takes place in the garden of the manor house. It is July, and the garden and decorations are old-fashioned and quaint. Miss Prism is sitting at the table, and Cecily is watering the flowers.

Miss Prism tells Cecily that watering flowers is a waste of time and that she needs to come study her German. Cecily doesn't like German and says it is unbecoming. Her guardian, Uncle Jack, however, stresses that she learn it. Cecily tells Miss Prism that Uncle Jack is too serious, and Miss Prism defends him, citing his admirable duty and responsible nature. Cecily still thinks Jack seems bored at home with them, and Miss Prism attributes that to the stress of having to worry about his trouble-making brother, Ernest.

Cecily thinks it would good to meet Ernest and thinks that maybe they could be a strong influence on him. Miss Prism, however, thinks Ernest is far too wicked to be helped.

Cecily begins writing in her diary, and Miss Prism asks why she insists on writing. Cecily answers that she doesn't want to forget the marvellous secrets of her life. Miss Prism believes that is what memory is for. Cecily argues with Miss Prism again, saying that memory is responsible for too many novels. She doesn't like novels that end happily, as they make her depressed.

The two see Doctor Chasuble entering the garden. Doctor Chasuble greets Miss Prism and Cecily, and Cecily suggests that the two take a stroll around the garden. Miss Prism tells Cecily that she is just trying to get out of studying, and Cecily openly admits not being an attentive learner.

Doctor Chasuble and Miss Prism obviously like each other, and nervously flirt. The two decide to take a walk, and when the exit the stage Cecily angrily throws her books on the table.

Merriman, the house-servant enters with a letter of introduction for Ernest Worthington who has arrived with his luggage and is waiting outside. "Ernest" has been informed that Jack is in town and wishes to speak to Cecily instead. Cecily orders Merriman to prepare a room for their guest, and to send him in.

She is nervous and thinks to herself that she has never met anyone wicked before. She is afraid he will look just like everyone else.

Algernon enters the garden, and Cecily thinks he does look like a normal person. He greets her as his little cousin Cecily. She tartly responds that she isn't little and is tall for her age. Algernon is taken aback, but she continues on to say that she is Cecily, and he must be her wicked cousin Ernest.

Algernon tells her he isn't wicket at all. Cecily tells him that would be dreadfully dull, and that he better not be living a double life, pretending to be wicked when he's actually good. Algernon is amazed at Cecily, and gladly tells her that he has, in fact, been reckless recently.

Cecily is glad that he is upholding his reputation for being a troublemaker, but tells him that Uncle Jack won't be back in the country until Monday. Algernon says he has an appointment in London that he cannot miss, so he won't be able to stay until Uncle Jack gets back. Cecily teases him, saying that Uncle Jack is getting ready to emigrate him and is off buying him an outfit to be sent off in. Algernon tells her that he wouldn't allow Jack to buy him clothes, as Jack has horrible taste. Cecily continues teasing, saying he won't need neckties as he's being sent to Australia.

Her joke came from a comment Uncle Jack made a few nights ago, about Ernest choosing this world, the next world, or Australia. Algernon tells Cecily that Australia and the next world are equally bad, and he'd prefer to stay in this one if possible.

Cecily tells him that he isn't good enough to stay in this world, and he asks for her help in reforming himself. She replies that she doesn't have time this afternoon, but he is welcome to give it a try if he wants.

She invites him in for food, and he picks a flower for his buttonhole. He flirtingly compares her to the flower, and Cecily tells him that is inappropriate talk, and that Miss Prism doesn't think beauty is worth all that much. Algernon says beauty is what will ensnare any sensible man, and Cecily says it's just as well, because she wouldn't know what to do with a sensible man.

They exit into the manor, presumably continuing their flirtatious banter. When they exit the stage, Miss Prism and Doctor Chasuble enter.

Miss Prism is telling the Chasuble that he is too alone, and that he should get married. It can be inferred from their conversation that the Doctor is a priest and cannot marry because of his religious order. Miss Prism tells him that the old ways need to be discarded and that having a single man around all the time is a temptation.

The Chasuble asks if married men are not attractive, and Miss Prism replies that they are only attractive to their wives. The Chasuble responds that often they aren't even then. Miss Prism states that it depends entirely on the woman. Maturity is to be trusted, and young girls are "green" (unripe). The Chasuble is startled at her frankness, and she apologizes, stating that it was just a metaphor.

Their conversation is cut off when Jack enters the garden, dressed entirely in black, and acting as though he is in mourning. Miss Prism and the Chasuble immediately ask him what is the matter, and Jack tells them gravel that his brother Ernest is dead. He died of a severe chill in Paris, and wishes to be buried there. The Chasuble offers to mention him in his Sunday service.

Jack is reminded by the Chasuble and asks if he can perform christenings. The Chasuble misunderstands, thinking he is talking about an infant, but Jack clarifies that it is he who wishes to be christened. He is concerned that he is too old to be christened, but the Chasuble assures him that no age is too old and that he can indeed perform the ceremony.

They set a time at five in the afternoon for the service, and the Chasuble says that he is doing twins at the same time. Jack thinks it would seem silly to be christened at the same time as infants, and they settle on five-thirty.

Miss Prism is glad that such a blessed event is the result of such a tragedy (Ernest's death). Just then, Cecily enters the garden and greets Uncle Jack. As soon as she's done greeting him, she tells him to change out of his horrid black clothes. When Uncle Jack acts morose, she asks him what is the matter, but before he can answer she tells him she has a tremendous surprise for him, that his brother Ernest has come for a visit and is waiting in the dining room.

Jack is astounded, and Cecily assures him that he arrived half an hour ago with his luggage in tow. Jack tells her he hasn't got a brother, which Miss Prism and the Chasuble assume to mean Ernest is dead, and Cecily assumes Jack has disowned him. She tells Jack that he cannot disown his own brother, even if he is wicked. She offers to go get him and leaves the scene.

The Chasuble is joyful at the sudden turn-around, but Miss Prism seems distressed. Jack is confused, until Algernon and Cecily enter the garden walking hand-in-hand. Jack is upset and tries to get Algernon away from Cecily.

Algernon tells Jack he is sorry for all the trouble, and that he intends to be a reformed man. Jack glares at him, and refuses to shake his hand. Cecily reprimands Jack, who says "Ernest" is a disgrace, and he will never shake his hand.

Cecily is mortified that Jack would treat his own brother so. She tells Jack about Algernon's devotion to his deal invalid friend Bunbury and that if he visits someone so ill he could hardly be considered bad.

Jack responds that "Ernest" is not allowed to talk to Cecily about anything. Algernon guilt trips him, saying his coldness is painful. Cecily is so outraged that she says she will never forgive Jack if he doesn't shake Algernon's hand. Jack does so reluctantly, glaring the entire time. The Chasuble and Cecily admire the "brotherly reunion" and leave them alone.

Jack accuses Algernon of being a scoundrel and forbids any Bunburying at his manor. Merriman enters and informs Jack that he put "Ernest’s" luggage in his room. Jack is incredulous, and orders Algernon to leave at once, telling Merriman that he was suddenly ordered back to town. Algernon calls Jack a liar and says he didn't hear anyone calling him. Jack says his duty as a gentleman is calling him.

Algernon changes the subject to Cecily, and Jack forbids him to talk of her. Algernon makes fun of Jack, telling him that his clothes are ridiculous. Jack is getting more and more angry, and orders Algernon to leave again. Algernon says he won't leave while Jack is in mourning because it would be unkind. Jack says he'll go change his clothes, and Algernon makes fun of him again for taking too long to dress. Jack makes fun of Algernon for always being overdressed, and Algernon replies he makes up for it by being overeducated. Jack yells at Algernon that he is absurd and that he must leave immediately before exiting the scene.

Algernon admits to himself that he is in love with Cecily, and will do anything to see her again. He sees her watering flowers in the garden. She wonders where Uncle Jack is, and Algernon tells her that Jack is kicking him out of the house. Cecily is upset at being parted after just meeting.

Merriman enters, saying the cart is ready. Cecily tells him to give them five more minutes, and Merriman leaves.

Algernon tells Cecily that she is absolute perfection and Cecily tells him to pause because she's going to copy it in her diary. She tells him to continue, and, surprised, he goes on a short monologue saying how much he loves her.

Merriman comes in again and says the cart is ready. Algernon tells him to have the cart come back in a week. Cecily says Jack will be mad, but Algernon doesn't care, all he wants is to marry Cecily. She tells him that they have been engaged for three months now and that she fell madly in love with him after hearing all the stories about his wickedness. She settled the engagement herself, buying rings and bracelets, and even wrote love letters between the two of them.

Algernon has a small scare when Cecily says the engagement was broken off a month ago, and pleads with Cecily to take him back because he didn't do anything wrong. He recovers when Cecily reveals that all serious engagements must be broken at least once and that she forgave him a week later. He calls her an angel and kisses her, and she runs her hand through his hair. He makes her promise never to break off their engagement again, and she says she can't now that she's met him. And, of course, there is the matter of his name. She has always admired the name Ernest, and pities any woman who doesn't marry a man with such a strong, confident name.

Algernon asks if she would love him if his name wasn't Ernest, but, in fact, Algernon. Cecily replies that she doesn't like the name, and she could respect someone named Algernon, but not love him. Algernon tries to defend his own name, to no avail. He says he must go see the rector immediately, and that he'll be back in half an hour. She says that is too soon, and he promises twenty minutes. He kisses her and leaves.

Cecily enters his proposal in her diary. Merriman comes in, saying that a Miss Fairfax has come to call on Mr. Worthing on a matter of urgent business. Cecily thinks he is in the library, but Merriman says he has gone to the rectory. Cecily tells him to bring Miss Fairfax and tea.

Gwendolyn enters, and they introduce themselves. Gwendolyn says she likes Cecily's name, and that she always hopes to call her by her first name, but only if Cecily will do the same for her. Cecily agrees, and politely asks Gwendolyn to sit.

Gwendolyn tells Cecily that her father is Lord Bracknell and asks if she has heard of him. Cecily hasn't, and apologizes. Gwendolyn says it’s okay, and that he isn't well-known outside the family circle. She asks if it is okay for her to look at Cecily through her glasses, and Cecily replies that she is fond of being looked at.

Gwendolyn examines her and says surely she is here at this manor on a short visit. Cecily tells her that she lives here, and Gwendolyn is shocked. She wants to know if any older female relations also live here, but Cecily says the only other woman is her governess, Miss Prism. Cecily tells Gwendolyn that she has no relations and is Mr. Worthing's ward.

Gwendolyn speaks frankly, saying that she wished Cecily were older and more plain so as not to tempt her upright and moral Ernest to stray. Cecily says there has been a misunderstanding, and that she is John Worthing's ward, Ernest's older brother. Gwendolyn is suspicious as to why she's never heard of John before, and Cecily tells her that the brothers have not been on good relations, but have just only recently been reunited.

She seems happy at this news, and makes sure once again that Cecily is not Ernest Worthing's ward. Cecily says there is no way she could be his ward, as she is engaged to Ernest Worthing. Gwendolyn is outraged and tells Cecily that it is, in fact, she who is engaged to Ernest.

As proof of the engagement, Cecily shows Gwendolyn her diary, which she wrote not ten minutes ago. Gwendolyn also produces a diary of her own and shows Cecily Ernest's proposal at five-thirty the previous afternoon. She says that because he proposed to her first, she has first claim. Cecily says that if he proposed to her today, then he's obviously changed his mind about Gwendolyn.

The two girls begin slinging insults at one another. Gwendolyn accuses Cecily of entrapping Ernest into an engagement, and Cecily tells Gwendolyn she is nothing more than an entanglement.

Merriman comes in with tea and sets the table. The two are silent, and then engage in tense small-talk. Gwendolyn asks if there are any amusing walks around, and Cecily tells her that from the hilltops you can see five different countries. Gwendolyn pretends not to be impressed, saying that it seems rather crowded. Cecily retorts that must be the reason Gwendolyn lives in town.

At this point, Gwendolyn is extremely nervous. She is biting her lip and tapping her foot. She tells Cecily that the manor garden is well kept but that she could never live in the country without being bored.

Cecily offers her tea, and Gwendolyn politely thanks her. In an aside, she expresses her distaste for Cecily.

When Cecily asks her if she likes sugar in her tea, Gwendolyn replies that it isn't fashionable to drink sugar anymore. Cecily puts four lumps of sugar in Gwendolyn's cup. She asks if Gwendolyn would like bread and butter or cake with her tea and Gwendolyn says that she prefers bread and butter, as cake isn't seen in the best houses nowadays. Cecily gives her a small slice of cake.

When Gwendolyn drinks her tea and sees the cake, she is outraged. She stands and tells Cecily that she has gone too far. Cecily replies that she will go to any length to keep Ernest away from her.

They begin hurling personal insults again. Gwendolyn professes to have immediately distrusted Cecily, and Cecily coldly hints that Gwendolyn surely has other engagements to go to.

While the girls are staring each other down, Jack enters the scene. Gwendolyn shouts his name, Ernest, and runs to him. They greet each other passionately. Gwendolyn asks Jack is he is engaged to Cecily, and he laughs before saying that he is not.

Cecily interrupts their passionate reunion by revealing "Ernest's" true name to be John. Gwendolyn backs away from him, distrusting.

Algernon walks in and goes straight to Cecily. She asks him if he is engaged to Gwendolyn, and he starts, not expecting to see her at the manor. He tells Cecily he isn't engaged, and the two kiss. Gwendolyn reveals him to be her cousin, Algernon, and it is Cecily's turn to back away.

The two girls hug each other, stricken. They ask the men if it is true, if neither of them are actually Ernest. The men admit their true names, and say they have nothing to be ashamed of. The girls apologize for accusing each other earlier, and console one another at the men's deceit. The men pace the garden, frustrated at the girls' camaraderie.

Cecily and Gwendolyn ask where Ernest is as they are both engaged to a man they have never met and want to get this matter settled once and for all. Jack tells the truth, that he doesn't have a brother named Ernest, that he made him up.

The girls realize that they aren't engaged to anyone, and Cecily remarks that it isn't a pleasant situation to find oneself in. Gwendolyn suggests they go into the house because the men won't dare to follow them. They leave, arm in arm, giving the men scornful looks as they leave the garden.

Jack turns to Algernon, and asks sarcastically if he is satisfied with the trouble his Bunburying has brought. Algernon, falsely cheerful, replies that this is the most exciting Bunbury he has ever gone on. Jack tells him that he had no right to Bunbury at his country manor, and Algernon says he has the right to Bunbury anywhere, and that any serious Bunburyist knows that to be a fact.

Jack throws up his hands in frustration, and expresses that the only decent thing to come out of this whole mess is that Bunbury is gone. Algernon reminds Jack that his brother Ernest is gone as well, and he will no longer have a convenient excuse go to town whenever he likes.

The two express that their only wish is to be engaged to the women inside, and they also tell each other that there is no chance of that happening, because Cecily is Jack's ward and Gwendolyn Algernon's cousin. Both men are being overprotective of their relations, and won't allow the other to court them.

Algernon sits down and begins calmly eating muffins. Jack calls him heartless for eating at such a time, to which Algernon replies that eating consoles him in times of stress and that he has a particular fondness for muffins. Jack takes the muffins away and tells Algernon to eat the tea-cakes.

When Algernon protests that he doesn't like tea cakes, Jack tells him to leave. Algernon refuses to leave without dinner and says he is scheduled to be christened under the name of Ernest. Jack tells Algernon that he is already scheduled and that they can't both be Ernest. He reminds Algernon that he has already been christened, and can't be again. Jack picks up the muffin tray, and Algernon is upset because there are only two muffins left.

Jack once again tells Algernon to leave, and Algernon once again refuses, saying he must finish his muffins. Jack groans and sits down, and Algernon eats his muffins.

Act III

The third scene opens inside the manor house. Cecily and Gwendolyn are looking out the window at the men in the garden and talking about their behavior.

Gwendolyn says that the fact that they didn't follow shows that they have some shame about the way they've acted, and Cecily notices that they are eating muffins reproachfully. It is obvious that they want to forgive the boys but that they don’t want to lose their pride.

Gwendolyn tells Cecily to give a cough, so as to attract their attention. When they do look, however, she expresses disgust at their forwardness. Cecily points out that they are coming towards the house, and Gwendolyn says that they must maintain a dignified silence. On no account are Cecily and Gwendolyn going to be the first to speak.

When the men enter whistling a popular song, Gwendolyn immediately tells Jack that she has a question for him. Cecily asks Algernon why he pretended to be Jack's brother Ernest, and Algernon replies that he just wanted to meet her. Cecily asks Gwendolyn if his answer was satisfactory, and Gwendolyn says yes, if she believes it. Cecily doesn't believe it, but acknowledges that it was still a decent answer. Gwendolyn agrees and asks Jack why he pretended to be Ernest. Jack tells her he wanted an excuse to go to town as often as possible to see her.

The girls confer among themselves about the replies, and say that they seem to be true. Gwendolyn wonders if it is okay to forgive them, and Cecily says it is, then quickly changes her mind. Gwendolyn understands at once, and asks Cecily if she wants to bring up the critical issue together. Gwendolyn taps the time, and then the two say in unison that the men's Christian names are an insurmountable issue. The men reply back, in unison, that they have already scheduled appointments to be christened.

Gwendolyn affirms this with Jack, and Cecily with Algernon. They are delighted that the men would go to such lengths to please them. Gwendolyn praises their self-sacrifice and Cecily their courage. The couples fall into each other's arms.

Merriman enters and coughs, announcing the arrival of Lady Bracknell. The couples separate in alarm, and Lady Bracknell walks in. She immediately reprimands Gwendolyn for running away to see Mr. Worthing and Gwendolyn boldly announces that she is engaged to him. Lady Bracknell is upset, and orders Gwendolyn to her before turning on Mr. Worthing. She tells the group that she found out of Gwendolyn's flight from her maid, and that Mr. Worthing must cease all communication with Gwendolyn immediately.

Jack tells Lady Bracknell that it is too late; they are already in love and promised to one another. Lady Bracknell once again asserts that it is impossible. She notices Algernon, and asks him if this is his invalid friend, Bunbury's house.

Algernon stammers out that he killed Bunbury this afternoon, and quickly corrects himself, saying instead that Bunbury died. When Lady Bracknell asks what he died of, Algernon says he exploded. Lady Bracknell is confused, but Algernon assures her that Bunbury is dead, and that's all that matters. She is glad he made up his mind to finally die and asks Algernon who the girl he is holding is.

Jack interjects, saying Cecily is his ward. Lady Bracknell coldly greets Cecily. Algernon and Cecily announce their engagement to Lady Bracknell, who sits down on the sofa in shock. She inquires about Cecily's past, and wonders if she has any connection to the railway Jack was found in. Jack is furious at her implications but restrains himself. He tells her that Cecily is the grand-daughter of Thomas Cardew, and when she asks for proof of this he tells her he is in possession of all Cecily's records from the time she was a child.

Lady Bracknell has heard enough, and decided that Cecily is not a suitable match for Algernon. She rises to leave, and orders Gwendolyn to come with her. Before she leaves, she asks about Cecily's inheritance, and Jack reveals that it is quite a fortune. Lady Bracknell sits back down and reassesses Cecily, saying that so few women today are suitable matches because of their lack of fortune. She remarks that Cecily is indeed pretty and asks her to come closer. Lady Bracknell examines Cecily from all angles before declaring that her profile has social possibilities.

Algernon tells his Aunt that he doesn't care about Cecily's "social possibilities" because she is perfect in every way. At this, Lady Bracknell gives them consent to marry and tells Cecily to call her Aunt Augusta from now on. Cecily and Algernon both thank Lady Bracknell, who goes on to say that the marriage should take place as soon as possible, so that the two don't get to know each other's character too well before marriage.

Jack interrupts their happy planning; reminding everyone that Cecily is his ward and cannot marry until she comes of age. Lady Bracknell asks Jack on what grounds would he refuse Algernon, and Jack says Algernon has no moral character and is known to be untruthful. Lady Bracknell vehemently assures Jack that Algernon has strong moral character.

Jack goes on a tangent, saying that Algernon came to his house under false pretenses, drank his best wine, and ate all the muffins at tea. Lady Bracknell doesn't think these offenses are worthy of refusing marriage and asks Cecily how old she is. Cecily replies that she is eighteen, but admits to twenty at evening parties. Lady Bracknell says she will come of age soon, and that they can hold off the marriage until then. Jack once again interrupts, saying that Thomas Cardew's will doesn't allow her to come of age until thirty-five.

This hurdle is once again avoided by Lady Bracknell, who states that thirty-five is a attractive age, and hints that Cecily's fortune will have gained quite a bit from interest by then. She tells the couple that they can still marry. Cecily asks Algernon if he would wait for her, and he assures her that he would. Cecily, however, says she hates waiting. Algernon asks her, lamenting at their situation, what they should do.

Lady Bracknell urges Jack to reconsider his decision. Jack tells Lady Bracknell that if she gives him consent to marry Gwendolyn, then he will give consent to Algernon to marry Cecily. Lady Bracknell is outraged at this suggestion and says that it is impossible. She tells Gwendolyn they must leave immediately.

Dr. Chasuble enters, saying that the preparations have been made for the christenings. Lady Bracknell misunderstands, thinking the couples are already planning on having children. The matter is cleared up when the Chasuble says the christenings are for Jack and Algernon. Lady Bracknell forbids them to be christened, saying it is improper. The Chasuble asks Jack if he doesn’t want to be christened, and Jack replies that, in his current situation, christening wouldn't do him any good.

The Chasuble then says if he doesn't have any baptisms to perform, then he is going to return to Miss Prism, who has been waiting for him at the church. Lady Bracknell becomes alert when the Chasuble mentions Miss Prism and asks the Chasuble to describe her and her position in his household, saying it is a matter of vital importance. The Chasuble describes Miss Prism as a lady of cultivation and respect, and tells Lady Bracknell that he is celibate.

Jack reveals Miss Prism to be Cecily's governess of the past three years. Lady Bracknell becomes severe and says she must see Miss Prism at once. The Chasuble looks outside, and notices Miss Prism is approaching the house.

Miss Prism enters and tells the Chasuble that she has been waiting for him for almost an hour. She sees Lady Bracknell and suddenly goes terribly pale. Lady Bracknell yells at Miss Prism to come to her, and Miss Prism approaches, shaking.

Lady Bracknell questions Miss Prism, asking her what happened to the baby. Everyone in the room is staring with rapt attention at the scandal unfolding. Lady Bracknell goes on to say that 28 years ago Miss Prism was charged with looking after a baby boy at Lord Bracknell's house. She left with the baby, and later the police found the carriage with a three-volume manuscript in it, but no baby. Lady Bracknell asks Miss Prism again what happened to the boy.

Miss Prism pauses, then, ashamed, tells the story. When she was charged with looking after the boy, she had a terrible cold, and her head was fuzzy. When she went out, taking the baby with her, she accidentally placed the baby in her handbag instead of her manuscript. When she realized her mistake, she ran away.

Jack asks where she left the handbag, and Miss Prism replies vaguely that she doesn't remember. Jack insists that she tell him, saying it is of utmost importance. Miss Prism admits that she left the handbag in the cloak-room of a railway station.

Jack turns to Gwendolyn, asking her to excuse him, but he must go to his room for a minute. Gwendolyn, overdramatic, tells Jack that she will wait for him all her life for him to come back to her. Jack rushes out of the room, flushed with excitement and agitation.

Doctor Chasuble demands to know the meaning of his behavior, and Lady Bracknell tells him she doesn't even want to suspect. The group hears noises from upstairs, as if someone is moving trunks. Cecily wonders why Uncle Jack is so agitated, and the Chasuble tells her he has an emotional nature. The noises stop, and then redouble. Lady Bracknell hopes it will end soon, and Gwendolyn says she can't stand the suspense, though she wants it to last.

Finally, Jack runs back downstairs, carrying a black handbag. He asks Miss Prism if this is the handbag she left in the cloak-room, and to examine it closely before answering. Miss Prism points to her initials on the purse, and is gladly surprised to have it returned to her after all these years.

Jack tells her in a pathetic voice that he was the baby she placed in the handbag. Miss Prism is shocked as Jack calls her mother and tries to embrace her. She tells Jack that she is unmarried and has no children but that Lady Bracknell can tell him who his mother is.

Lady Bracknell reveals Jack to be the son of her sister, and Algernon's older brother. Jack, ecstatic, hugs Algy, telling him that he must act like a brother from here on out. The two shake hands.

Gwendolyn reminds Jack that the issue of his Christian name still hasn't been solved, and Jack says in the excitement of finding out his origins, he forgot all about it. He asks Lady Bracknell if he was christened as an infant, and she says yes. He was named after his father. Impatiently, Jack wants to know what his father's name was, but Lady Bracknell cannot recall. He asks Algernon, but Algy was only one year old when their father died, so he doesn't remember his Christian name.

Jack thinks and goes over to the old army records. He finds his father, whose Christian name was Ernest John. Lady Bracknell comments that now she remembers why she always disliked the name Ernest, but Jack and Gwendolyn are ecstatic.

Jack apologizes to Gwendolyn, saying it is a terrible thing to find out he has been being truthful all the time and hopes she will forgive him. She does, and they embrace lovingly. Everyone is happy, and the Chasuble embraces Miss Prism, and Algernon embraces Cecily. Jack says he finally realizes the Importance of Being Ernest.