Pygmalion
(George Bernard Shaw)

Act One

It is late one summer night in London, and there is a downpour. In order to get out of the rain strangers on the streets convene together under the portico at Saint Paul’s church which is in Covent Garden. There is a young man there with his sister and his mother who is forced to go out into the rain and find a taxicab to take them home, though it is obvious that there are none available. He leaves his mother and sister hastily and manages to knock over the flower basket of a young lady who is selling them. She speaks to him in poor-sounding broken English to point out that he knocked over her flowers; from her remark to the boy we learn that his name is Freddy. Freddy’s mother places some money in the Flower Girl’s basket to pay for the flowers which were damaged and asks how she knew her son’s name. It turns out to be only a coincidence that the boy’s name is Freddy because Freddy is just a common name that the Flower Girl calls everyone. The woman is called Mrs. Eynsford-Hill and her daughter is Clara Eynsford-Hill.

As an older military man enters the portico to avoid the rain, the Flower Girl tries to sell him one of her blooms and he gives her some money. Another bystander tells the girl to watch her back because he can see a police informer watching her and making notes on everything that she does. The Flower Girl becomes hysterical and defensive. She claims that she is doing nothing wrong she is just a poor girl who is trying to get by. All of the people under the portico gather around the Flower Girl and the man who is taking notes, the supposed police informer, and express hostility toward the note-taking man as they believe he may be an undercover police officer. The thing that is most odd about the man is that he has an uncanny ability to know exactly where a person is from as soon as they speak to him. He does not only know their country but their town and even their neighborhood. Everyone becomes very amused by this man and his trick.

As the rain clears most everyone clears out of the dry area and sets about their business. Amongst those who remain are the Flower Girl, the Note Taker, and a Gentleman. The Gentleman questions the Note Taker on how he can tell where a person is from just by speaking to them. The Note Taker tells the Gentleman that he understands phonetics, which is the science of speech. The Note Taker thinks that he can make a “duchess” of the Flower Girl just by using what he knows about phonetics. Both men are obviously very interested in and intrigued by the other and introduce themselves. The Note Taker is Professor Henry Higgins, and the other man is Colonel Pickering who is also interested in dialects; in a twist of fate is seems that the two men had been wanting to meet with one another for quite some time and did not realize they were face to face. Pickering and Higgins decide to have dinner together where they can chat about phonetics, but the Flower Girl does not allow them to leave until she convinces Professor Higgins to give her some change. Higgins turns out to be quite generous to the girl by throwing her enough money to take a taxi home, and she is ecstatic at his offering. She has the good luck to find a taxi because Freddy has brought one back with him, though to his dismay his mother and sister have left and are no longer in need of it. 

Act Two

The next morning Professor Higgins and Colonel Pickering are having a conversation about phonetics at the home of Higgins. Higgins’ housekeeper, Mrs. Pearce, interrupts them to tell Higgins that a young girl who has a very strange accent is at the door to see him. Higgins knows that it must be the Flower Girl from the night before and he is intrigued by her unique dialect so he lets her in; he thinks that he may be able to learn something new from her. The girl comes into the room wearing what is probably her idea of a high-society outfit; she is wearing what Higgins assumes must be the cleanest clothes she could find and also the silliest hat he has ever seen. She tells Higgins and Pickering that her name is Eliza Doolittle. Higgins decides he is going to throw her out of his house; he has enough of her accent that he does not need her. Eliza surprises Higgins by requesting speaking lessons from him. She wants to be able to speak nicely like other girls so she does not have to sell her flowers out on the street, but maybe in a flower shop. Higgins is not very kind to the girl and threatens to beat her with a broomstick if she does not calm down as she is quite crude in her behaviors. Pickering is shocked at her behavior but also at the behavior of Higgins; he refers to Eliza as “Miss Doolittle” and pulls out a chair for her. Higgins and Pickering both seem intrigued by the idea and agree to give her the lessons she seeks. They do not do it out of the kindness of their hearts, however; they take on the assignment as a bit of a joke. They wonder if they truly can make someone believe that Eliza is a Duchess in only six months’ time and think it will be an interesting task to take on. Pickering tells Higgins that if he is able to pass Eliza off as a Duchess at the Ambassador’s garden party then he will front all of the money that it will take to clean her up.

The men discuss Eliza’s potential or lack thereof and stuff her face with chocolates when she protests their insults. Eliza is set to live with Higgins for six months and to learn how to be a civilized lady. Higgins sends Mrs. Pearce away with Eliza; she is to burn all of the clothes that Eliza is wearing, clean her up, and make her presentable. Mrs. Pearce comes back downstairs to remind Higgins that he needs to learn to mind his own table manners now that there is going to be a lady in the house. While Eliza is bathing a dustman, which is a British garbage man, comes into the home. The man introduces himself to Higgins and Pickering as Alfred Doolittle, Eliza’s father. Alfred tells Higgins that he will leave Eliza alone there with him if the man will give him five pounds so he can buy some booze. Higgins is surprised at how well Alfred speaks and how little he sounds like Eliza. He gives the man some money and continues to speak to him though their conversation is interrupted when a “Japanese lady” enters the room. Eliza is bathed and dressed in a kimono. Higgins is surprised at how pretty Eliza is when she is cleaned up. She eats up the attention she receives from everyone and is so pleased with her new look that she wants to go see the other Flower Girls and marched up and down in front of them to show off. Higgins tells Eliza that he is sure it is not a good idea for her to do this, but she does not seem interested in veering from her plan. Mrs. Pearce saves the day by luring Eliza away by promising to give her more new clothes. Eliza has a lot of crude energy, which she shows by howling like a wild animal as she leaves the room. Higgins and Pickering know that they have their work cut out for them if anyone is going to believe that girl is a Duchess. 

Act Three

Henry Higgins is at the apartment where his mother lives for her at-home day. She is not pleased to see her son because she is expected rather respectable company that day and she feels Henry is not capable of being civilized. He has decided that he wants to test his progress with Eliza that day at his mother’s home. Mrs. Higgins is not sure that it is a good idea, and she gives the impression that she does not usually think anything Higgins does is a good idea. She tells him that whenever her friends meet Henry they stop coming around because he lacks any social grace. She does not want some poor Flower Girl setting a bad impression on the people she is expecting. Higgins does not care what she thinks and will go through with it anyway. Henry Higgins does not seem to be interested in women at all, except his mother who appears to be the only woman in his life. Higgins tells his mother that he will make sure Eliza only talks about appropriate topics of conversation, such as the weather, and that she will be on her absolute best behavior.

Later that day the party turns out to be not much of a party at all. The guests at Mrs. Higgins home are Mrs. Eynsford-Hill, Clara Eynsford-Hill, Freddy, Colonel Pickering, and Eliza. Eliza enters the room later than the other guests, and she looks stunning. She asks everyone “How do you do?” in a perfect accent, though there are not many other words which she has perfected so her vocabulary and conversation is limited. Higgins is distracted by the mother and daughter at the party, as he cannot remember where he knows them from. When he finally figures it out he realizes that he was distracted for too long, and Eliza is no longer sticking to the script which they had planned. She is telling a story about an aunt who was “did in” by influenza, and then slips into her old accent and Freddy is eating up every word she is saying. Thankfully, Freddy does not seem to be a very bright boy, and he thinks that Eliza is just an extremely funny girl, not realizing that she is Cockney and is being entirely serious rather than funny.Higgins is incredibly embarrassed by the show Eliza is putting on and gives a cough; this is the signal that means it is time to leave so Eliza gets up and excuses herself. Freddy offers to walk Eliza home, and she says to him “Walk! Not blood likely. I am going in a taxi.” Clara is a bit infatuated with Eliza just like her brother and tries to imitate the way she talks, thinking it the cool thing to do.

When the Eynsford-Hill family leaves the home of Mrs. Higgins she takes a moment to speak to her son and Colonel Pickering. She first of all thinks that there is no way Eliza can possibly be turned into a nice young woman living with Higgins and his dirty mouth. She thinks that what they are doing to Eliza is a cruel experiment, and she scolds them for it. She goads the two men for treating Eliza as if she is their live doll to play around with and demands to know exactly why she is staying in a home with two old bachelors. They both assure Mrs. Higgins that they are not being cruel to Eliza at all but rather are treating her well. They begin to go on about all of the progress that Eliza is making, and Mrs. Higgins is forced to shush them up so she can speak. She tells them that they need to think about what they are going to do with her once she is transformed, as it is a matter to consider because she will no longer fit in anywhere; she will have no income and no education so she will not be able to live in high society but she will feel too good for the streets. Higgins and Pickering seem to find no problem and bid adieu to Mrs. Higgins. 

Act Four

It is a few months later, and the setting is Higgins’ home on Wimpole Street. Eliza is looking extremely beautiful, as always, but rather tired. Higgins and Pickering stumble into the room as well, quite drunk, and congratulating one another. They have just spent the night showing off Eliza, and she has won the bet for Higgins. Higgins does not congratulate Eliza, however, because he is too busy talking about how wonderful he is, what a great job he did, and looking for his slippers. Higgins and Pickering completely ignore the fact that Eliza is in the room and talk about the events of the evening. The men speak about Eliza as though she is some sort of robot or toy that performs tricks. They talk about how glad they are that the whole thing is finally over because they were very bored with the experiment in the last couple months. Eliza understands everything the men are saying because her vocabulary has greatly expanded by this point and she sees that Higgins is for the most part a total jerk and usually a quite miserable human being. Eliza is kind enough to bring Professor Higgins his slippers, but he still does not acknowledge her presence and thinks that the slippers appeared out of thin air. Eliza is getting furious and feels as though she just might strangle both of the men when Higgins finally speaks to her; he asks her to turn out the lights and to deliver his order for breakfast to Mrs. Pearce. Rather than do as he asks Eliza is angrier than ever; she throws his slippers at him and she threatens to actually kill him.

Higgins tells Eliza that she is presumptuous and ungrateful for all that he and Pickering have done for her. What Mrs. Higgins has predicted is coming true; Eliza has become a lady and now she does not know what to do with herself. Higgins no longer cares about her because he has won his bet, their lessons are over, and she has no idea how she will make her living now. Professor Higgins tries to calm her down with suggestions that she work in a flower shop or possibly get married but Eliza does not want to hear any of it. She is insulted that Higgins would suggest that she marry a rich man as her way out. She makes the comment that she used to sell flowers rather than herself, but now that she is a lady herself is all that she has to sell. She wishes that she had been left on the street as a Flower Girl because at least then she would know where her life was headed. Eliza’s only interest is to leave the house; she tells Higgins that he can keep all of the lavish clothing and jewelry that he has outfitted her with because she does not want to be accused of thievery if she keeps it; she even gives him back a ring he bought her. Higgins is the one who is angry now, and he nearly hits her. He settles on swearing in her face, throwing the ring in the fire, and storming out of the room. Eliza is pleased to get this sort of reaction from Higgins. She gets the ring out of the fire and leaves it on the dessert table for him to see before she walks out the door. 

Act Five

Mrs. Higgins is greeted the next morning by Henry and Colonel Pickering who are looking for Eliza.They are on the phone with the police and Mrs. Higgins tells her servant to go upstairs and tell Eliza not to come down, as Eliza has sought refuge there. Higgins is incredibly whiney, even for him, as though he cannot find his most prized toy. Mrs. Higgins suggests that Higgins and Pickering have scared the poor girl off with their garish ways. Higgins seems to have lost himself without Eliza; he is not sure what to do now. Mrs. Higgins tells the two men that they are acting like whiney children, and it is their own fault that she left. Once again the men are greeted by Alfred Doolittle entering the room though this time he is a cleaned-up gentleman. He is not happy with Higgins as Higgins apparently wrote a letter to a millionaire after meeting Mr. Doolittle and suggested that Doolittle was an intriguing moralist. The millionaire took a liking to Alfred, and when he died he left Alfred a bunch of money.Higgins knew that the man had a gift for gab when he first met him and Alfred is putting that to use by touring as a lecturer all over England. He does not like his newfound wealth, however, as he misses swindling people and taking their money. He also despises all of the long-lost relatives and strangers who have come out of the woodwork to ask for loans. He wishes that he could go back to being a slovenly dustman. Mrs. Higgins finds this scenario perfect because now that Eliza’s father has money he can be the one to take care of her. Higgins vehemently and childishly objects because he bought Eliza from Alfred Doolittle fair and square for five pounds. Eliza comes down the stairs, as she has been in the house all along. She completely ignores Professor Higgins but thanks Pickering for being a gentleman and treating her like a lady which greatly aided her transformation. She tells him that his treatment of her taught her self-esteem, which is important to her. Higgins is about to throw a temper tantrum until he hears Eliza whooping and screaming like she used to when she sees her father all dressed up; the fact that the old Eliza is still in there makes him happy. Alfred tells his daughter that he is on his way to his own wedding, and he asks Colonel Pickering and Mrs. Higgins to come along with him.

Everyone leaves the apartment except for Henry Higgins and Eliza. Higgins talks to Eliza about humanity and how he threw his slippers in his face; he did not even like her to bring him his slippers.Eliza tells him that he is a mean person, but he insists that he is only fair because he treats everyone the same exact way no matter who they are. Higgins wants Eliza to come back and be his adopted daughter or marry Pickering, but she refuses; telling him that she would rather sell flowers on the side of the street again then live with him. As the fight continues on Eliza tells Higgins that she is going to marry Freddy who has been writing her love letters, but Higgins thinks that is a terrible idea. She says that she wants her independence from him, and she will blackmail him with all of his secrets to get it.She is willing to take everything she learned from him and to use it herself to work as his competition. Higgins calls her an “impudent slut” and then admits that he likes this side of her. He thinks that they are equals, but Eliza does not want anything to do with him. As she is leaving he yells after her to get him some clothing, and groceries because he is sure that she will return. As she leaves Higgins laughs to his mother at the notion that Eliza will marry Freddy.